To help things along, Dina has upped the heat this year, recently publishing some hot new promo pictures of her little girl that definitely warm our loins:

Happy birthday, Ali!  Want to go on a road trip, sweetie?

Although we do find ourselves wondering if someone’s already been there.

She sprung onto the scene with her role in ‘Panic Room’ alongside Jodie Foster.  I remember thinking that while she seemed quite boyish, the girl had major tart potential.  A couple more years, it seemed, might turn her into quite the little hottie.

And it sure did – for a moment, anyway. We were briefly treated to a budding teen sex symbol, mouth agape, wearing candy-blue slut shoes and her hands wrapped around an understandably-overactive hose:

Yyyyyumm!

Seeing her get thrown around in The Messengers was a treat:

but the movie otherwise was not very good.  And I’ve never seen Zathura, but likely the only part worth watching is this, when the still-tight-bodied cutie prances around in her underwear and acts like a bitch:

Yyyyumm again!

She even began showing some skin at premieres:

Yyyyumm yet again!

Things were really on the upswing:

We were thinking: sexxxy! What potential! Maybe get in with a couple good stylists, take a few pointers on posture, watch the calories, and all would be well.

But sadly, it was all downhill from there.  Bad things happened.  Laziness set in.  She was a a bit too much of a rebel and broke a few too many Hollywood rules.  First, she still refused to stand up straight, continually demonstrating shitty posture on the red carpet (a big no-no):

She also boldly rejected the Hollywood starlet diet, sprouting new hips this year, and exhibiting the doughy face and arms of an ordinary, undisciplined girl:

(We don’t care if you’re stoned, baby; half of this town is.  But you’re not allowed to get the munchies!)

And her press tour to promote her new movie ‘Twilight’ was a maze of rambling, monotone interviews in slummy outfits with continued slouching and a general lack of enthusiasm:

Too lazy to wear decent clothes, stand up straight, keep herself in shape, or even give a decent interview, the truth has set in. It’s not easy for us to face reality – nothing hurts the heart like a tart who could have been – but face it we must: this girl is over.

Next, Anna Selezneva:

And finally, Anna Maria Jagodzinksa:

December 2, 2008 UPDATE: Hold up, new readers!  Before you go, check out some of our other Hollywood Smacktalk:

• Kristen Stewart’s Falling Star
• Top Five Myths About Hollywood

or how about a classic from the archives – the one that got us in all that trouble with the Scientology goons:

• Tom Cruise Likes ‘em Starved

We established a long time ago – thanks to a NYC tipster close to Kahlen – that former ANTM contestant Kahlen Rondot is a dirty girl. After sharing the topless pic, our tipster had sworn they had more pictures for us (and you) but didn’t come through until last weekend.

And come through they did – with some never-before-seen pictures of our favorite ANTM contestant.

Sure, she should have won; but she didn’t. So, she headed to New York City where she’s turned into a party slut who is surely making mommy proud.

Y’know, we’d always suspected Kahlen was a talented pole-worshipper, but it had not been confirmed until we saw this:

She’s been tattooing herself lately, and we can’t tell how many of them are real or fake, but they’re nonetheless interesting to look at:

In the so-called “lesbian kiss” shot, you can’t see Kahlen’s face. Our tipster assures us that it is her, and it sure does look like it. The ring matches the ring in another shot as well, so we’re going with it.

And, a few sad-n-sexy shots:

Don’t be sad, Kahlen. We love you like this, even if mom and dad don’t. So, keep it up!

We received quite a few others, including some pre-ANTM pictures. But, these were the ones we just had to share. We’ll post the rest if we get bored.

December 2, 2008 UPDATE: Hold up, new readers!  Before you go, check out some of our more recent Hollywood Smacktalk:

• Kristen Stewart’s Falling Star
• Top Five Myths About Hollywood
• Three Gorgeous Fashion Models You’ve Never Heard Of

or how about a classic from the archives – the one that got us in all that trouble with the Scientology goons:

• Tom Cruise Likes ‘em Starved

With all the courtesies out of the way, now for some follow-up on our controversial article. Life & Style tells us Katie and Posh are hanging out again, and the magazine reports they’re skipping the pasta and splitting a kid’s salad as if this is some kind of news. I find it odd that Life & Style and the other gossip mags don’t seem interested in exploring how this might tie into her predicament with Scientology, but they’re likely afraid to cross that line.

While some might be stunned at a story about Posh training Katie Holmes how to starve, it comes as no surprise to anyone who read our original article last summer. Frankly, any of that craziness should come as no shock to anyone who spends any time learning about the cult founded on space opera. But we’re not complaining about being first, or being right – we’re just reminding you that we were.

Moving on – we’ve decided our next course of duty is to shatter some myths we see rearing their ugly heads on our favorite blogs these days. We love all of you, but most of you don’t live and work in this business, so many of you are a little confused about how things work around here.

Since we want you to be best equipped to practice your celeb-worship in every corner of the globe and throughout your pathetic little lives, and – for better or worse – we live, breathe, and earn our paychecks from it, we’re going to straighten out your pretty little heads. Here goes.

Myth One
Skinny celebrities and fashion models don’t starve themselves, they just have fast metabolisms/work out/have good genes/employ tricky optical illusions.

The Truth
Bullshit. They do starve themselves, they take Adderall or other forms of speed, some do cocaine, and they’re constantly encouraged to lie about it. Now, I work with a lot of them and love them and am not criticizing them at all – I’m just telling you how it is.

Fashion models are the most notorious. One super-agent told me that they actively discourage their models from exercising because it “makes them eat.” Another I work with makes her models bring their food receipts back – along with their leftovers – so she can be sure they’re toeing the line. A model I was shooting a couple weeks ago, who I have a decent friendship with, told me before makeup that she’d had a “huge breakfast” and “felt disgusting.” A big stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, perhaps? Nope – two eggs.

There’s little question what top designers want to see on the runway – tall, impossibly thin girls with young, beautiful faces. The idea is to taunt the masses with the fantastical and unattainable. This year’s Fashion Week stars were elfin dolls like Vlada Roslyakova, Snejana Onopka, and Olga Sherer – and each of them were rewarded for their extreme thinness by booking more than seventy shows each. Some models seem to relish the challenge; model Lily Donaldson has been competing with two other models to see who can eat the least. Her reward? Big fat contracts with D&G, Dior, Gucci and Burberry.

With celebrities – especially this new breed of famous-for-being-famous tarts, it’s done for fun, competition and attention more than economic necessity. Sure, you need to be thin in Hollywood, but it’s best – and just plain funnest – to be thinner than your competitors. Nicole Richie is fairly open about her ways and is known for taunting anyone an ounce bigger than she is. Victoria Beckham is unapologetically obsessive about her intake. Nicky Hilton is thinner than she’s ever been – and, as a result, is more popular than she’s ever been. Life & Style reported last week that airhead Heidi Montag is having a skinny contest with Lauren Conrad (and it looks like Montag is winning.)

Many models and celebrities are aware they’re often used as “thinspiration”, and while a few are disturbed by it, my experience is that many see it as a badge of honor. Almost all of them read blogs and forums and are regular “ego-surfers”, and I know some of them post under pseudonyms.

Myth Two
The newswire picture of so-and-so on the red carpet / coming out of the club is “Photoshopped.”

The Truth
If by “Photoshopped”, you mean altered, it’s extremely unlikely. Sure, there’s cropping, color balancing and that sort of thing, but that’s it. News agencies have no time to manipulate images – they’re much more interested in being first than making sure someone’s ass doesn’t look big.

Also, it’s against any standard of good journalism. Any reputable agency will fire a photographer who submits a manipulated image. Reuters fired a staff photographer last year for editing an image from Iraq – and no, it wasn’t because the edit job looked like it was done by a 5 year old.

Just to make sure we weren’t high on something, today we checked in with Brandy Navarre of X17 – one of Hollywood’s top photowires – and she told us the same thing, adding, “we’re not in the business of selling false stories.”

So, if the image is sourced directly from a good photo agency, news wire or photographer, the chance of it being Photoshopped are basically zero. Celebrity blogger tip: save yourself the dozens of moron comments like “this image must be Photoshopped, she’s not that fat” by simply sourcing your images directly from a reputable agency (and properly crediting them).

Myth Three
The camera adds ten pounds.

The Truth
No, it doesn’t. Yes, lighting and different camera lenses and various angles can play tricks on the eye, but a camera is no more likely to make you look fat than it is to make you look thin. Generally speaking, with the lenses most paparazzi photographers are walking around with, there’s not going to be a weight penalty or a benefit.

Myth Four
Paparazzi ruthlessly stalk celebrities. These poor people can’t go anywhere without a camera in their face.

The Truth
It’s a lot more complicated than that; it’s a very symbiotic relationship. First of all, excepting superstars or human train wrecks, the “average celebrity” carries on a fairly normal life and is rarely recognized, let alone photographed. This is partially because most humans are numb and oblivious and wouldn’t recognize Brad Pitt if he ordered a sandwich from them while barking lines from Fight Club.

But it’s also because the world is a large and busy place. On the rare instances someone is paying attention, the exchange I’ve seen most commonly is: “has anyone ever told you you look like Tara Starlet?” to which the well-heeled celebrity coyly replies, “oh, I get that all the time.”

I’m reminded of the old saying, “you know you’re in Hollywood when the guy at Starbucks who looks just like George Clooney… is George Clooney.”

I’m no celebrity but I know a few from my work, go out to eat with them, exercise with them, and even run into them at the grocery store. Setting aside set-up events like red carpet and photocalls – these people aren’t dragging along an army of drooling photographers.

Those who are recognized are almost always intentionally trying to draw attention to themselves (such as walking around with an entourage or going to lunch at the Ivy.)

Myth 4-A Dumbass Follow-up Question
Then why do I see all these pictures of so-and-so buying groceries, walking their dog, etc.? I’m so confused!

The Truth
Because celebrity publicists, “spotters”, and even doormen call photo agencies and tip them off. Photographers are not psychics with magic powers of intuition about who is going to go where and when. Los Angeles County is nearly 5,000 square miles and is crawling with ten million or so thin, good-looking people wearing sunglasses. It’s not as if celebrities stand out unless they try.

Having said that, some do try. It’s a marketing decision and, for the most part, everyone wins when they do.

Photo agencies get hundreds of calls a day from publicists who are dying to get their clients photographed, because they know celeb-sluts like you are going to clickie-click-click and eat the pictures up. The call is something like this: “Hey, Rick, it’s CokeFace from AgencyB – wanted you to know PopTart is headed over to Koi at 7 or so, and she’s not wearing any underwear..” (OK, maybe not the last part, but…)

When this happens, the agency sends a photographer over and the rest is history. Bloggers and magazines pay the agencies for rights to the photos (well, the good ones do) – the agency makes dough, bloggers get traffic, magazines sell copies, the celebrity gets visibility, photog gets paid, and the slutty publicist earns her next eight-ball.

Finally, there’s an entire caste of losers here in LA called “spotters.” These sad little warts-on-the-ass-of-life buzz around all day on scooters hunting for celebrities and then they tip off agencies and photographers. This is the source of most of the truly unwelcome attention celebrities deal with.

So There
Now that we’ve armed you with some new myth-slaying powers, go forth and use them. Oh, and thank us, you little ingrates!

December 2, 2008 UPDATE: Hold up!  Before you go, check out some of our more recent Hollywood Smacktalk:

• Kristen Stewart’s Falling Star
• Three Gorgeous Fashion Models You’ve Never Heard Of

or how about a classic from the archives – the one that got us in all that trouble with the Scientology goons:

• Tom Cruise Likes ‘em Starved

Offensive ignorance.

Now, on the other hand, someone like the purty lil’ Kelly Pickler can get away with the sort of exasperating stupidity we see in the below clip of her recent appearance on the show, “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader”:

And so could Hasselbeck (especially before that unfortunate pregnancy). But not Sherri – dear Lord!

To the matter at hand – lately some truly sexy pictures of sweet Ali have been making their way around the blogosphere via Us Magazine and courtesy of her wonderful mother, Dina. Evoking a young Liz Hurley, we must say, she looks freakin’ beautiful.

So we got to thinking, is this wrong, the warm tingly feelings and dirty thoughts we had when we saw them? Will we go to hell? She was just a little kid, like, five minutes ago. Could it seriously be that this little tart is ready to take the wood, as it were? Not emotionally – we realize the answer to that is no (but then again, we don’t know a lot of 25 year olds who are equipped, either) but now that Dina has opened up the bidding with such sexy new pictures, we have no choice but to conclude that this doll is officially fair game.

Before you all start screaming about us being perverts and pedophiles – we’ll start by correcting you. Yes, we’re perverts. But not pedophiles! Lusting after an adolescent – one who has reached puberty (and we kindly note that Ali has) – is not pedophilia. It’s hebephilia, and anyone with a drop of testosterone and a shred of honesty feels it now and then. But we digress – we’re here to talk legalness, not moralness. Plus, judging from her older sister, no one is going to want to do her when she’s 20. So, why postpone the lusting? Now’s the time, we figure, now that mom said it was OK and she’s not all worn out like big old leatherface itchycrotch is.

Honestly, there are already a million teenage boys out there masturbating to pictures like this one, inarguably more than a little erotic:

That reminds us – with the lovely Chyla Leigh of Grey’s Anatomy setting off a Hollywood incest craze unseen since Angelina’s filthiness years ago, who knows where this might go? Why not do a real “Sister Act”? Hey Dina – there’d be big money to be made in a Linsday / Ali porno flick, and while that might make many of you turn your noses up in disgust, it would at least be a more honest whoring out of her daughters than what she does now. Dina – just think of all the coke and purses you could buy!

But anyway, would someone bold please carpe diem – seize the day, as it were? We’ve discussed whether it’s moral – but you’re going to have to keep the law at bay, too. So, let’s take a look at the states where, come this December 22, it’d be legal to (as they say in El Segundo) tap that ass: Iowa, Missouri, Indiana and South Carolina.

So, guys: step up, whomever dares. Invite young Ali to St. Louis for a Christmastime weekend of fun and frolic. Her mom seems to be offering her up for it – and her package is unlikely to get any better.

Someone’s got to be her first (politely assuming someone has not been there already) so why not you?

South Carolina is lovely this time of year.

[Thanks for the map]

Sure, Beyonce looked like a big brown cow with stretch marks on her boobs but we sorta expected that.

For poor Amanda, what’s sorta sad is her choice of dress makes things worse – it makes her belly show through really well, thus enhancing her apparent plumpness.

Her legs don’t look too bad, with the possible exception of her upper thighs – which appear to be generously bulging through the sheer dress. Her arms are OK. Her face has always looked full, but it’s puffier for sure. But it’s really her belly and middle where she looks the thickest.

Damn, girl, get a waist! Buy it if you have to. Or at least don’t eat a whole platter of sizzlin’ steak fajitas before your AMA red carpet appearance. Better yet – learn the little shaping trick that most girls who’ve ever done a red carpet know: cross your legs for the pictures.

Super-pretty eyes, though. Click for the high-res pix.

December 2, 2008 UPDATE: Hold up, new readers!  Before you go, check out some of our more recent Hollywood Smacktalk:

• Kristen Stewart’s Falling Star
• Top Five Myths About Hollywood
• Three Gorgeous Fashion Models You’ve Never Heard Of

or how about a classic from the archives – the one that got us in all that trouble with the Scientology goons:

• Tom Cruise Likes ‘em Starved