With all the courtesies out of the way, now for some follow-up on our controversial article. Life & Style tells us Katie and Posh are hanging out again, and the magazine reports they’re skipping the pasta and splitting a kid’s salad as if this is some kind of news. I find it odd that Life & Style and the other gossip mags don’t seem interested in exploring how this might tie into her predicament with Scientology, but they’re likely afraid to cross that line.

While some might be stunned at a story about Posh training Katie Holmes how to starve, it comes as no surprise to anyone who read our original article last summer. Frankly, any of that craziness should come as no shock to anyone who spends any time learning about the cult founded on space opera. But we’re not complaining about being first, or being right – we’re just reminding you that we were.

Moving on – we’ve decided our next course of duty is to shatter some myths we see rearing their ugly heads on our favorite blogs these days. We love all of you, but most of you don’t live and work in this business, so many of you are a little confused about how things work around here.

Since we want you to be best equipped to practice your celeb-worship in every corner of the globe and throughout your pathetic little lives, and – for better or worse – we live, breathe, and earn our paychecks from it, we’re going to straighten out your pretty little heads. Here goes.

Myth One
Skinny celebrities and fashion models don’t starve themselves, they just have fast metabolisms/work out/have good genes/employ tricky optical illusions.

The Truth
Bullshit. They do starve themselves, they take Adderall or other forms of speed, some do cocaine, and they’re constantly encouraged to lie about it. Now, I work with a lot of them and love them and am not criticizing them at all – I’m just telling you how it is.

Fashion models are the most notorious. One super-agent told me that they actively discourage their models from exercising because it “makes them eat.” Another I work with makes her models bring their food receipts back – along with their leftovers – so she can be sure they’re toeing the line. A model I was shooting a couple weeks ago, who I have a decent friendship with, told me before makeup that she’d had a “huge breakfast” and “felt disgusting.” A big stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, perhaps? Nope – two eggs.

There’s little question what top designers want to see on the runway – tall, impossibly thin girls with young, beautiful faces. The idea is to taunt the masses with the fantastical and unattainable. This year’s Fashion Week stars were elfin dolls like Vlada Roslyakova, Snejana Onopka, and Olga Sherer – and each of them were rewarded for their extreme thinness by booking more than seventy shows each. Some models seem to relish the challenge; model Lily Donaldson has been competing with two other models to see who can eat the least. Her reward? Big fat contracts with D&G, Dior, Gucci and Burberry.

With celebrities – especially this new breed of famous-for-being-famous tarts, it’s done for fun, competition and attention more than economic necessity. Sure, you need to be thin in Hollywood, but it’s best – and just plain funnest – to be thinner than your competitors. Nicole Richie is fairly open about her ways and is known for taunting anyone an ounce bigger than she is. Victoria Beckham is unapologetically obsessive about her intake. Nicky Hilton is thinner than she’s ever been – and, as a result, is more popular than she’s ever been. Life & Style reported last week that airhead Heidi Montag is having a skinny contest with Lauren Conrad (and it looks like Montag is winning.)

Many models and celebrities are aware they’re often used as “thinspiration”, and while a few are disturbed by it, my experience is that many see it as a badge of honor. Almost all of them read blogs and forums and are regular “ego-surfers”, and I know some of them post under pseudonyms.

Myth Two
The newswire picture of so-and-so on the red carpet / coming out of the club is “Photoshopped.”

The Truth
If by “Photoshopped”, you mean altered, it’s extremely unlikely. Sure, there’s cropping, color balancing and that sort of thing, but that’s it. News agencies have no time to manipulate images – they’re much more interested in being first than making sure someone’s ass doesn’t look big.

Also, it’s against any standard of good journalism. Any reputable agency will fire a photographer who submits a manipulated image. Reuters fired a staff photographer last year for editing an image from Iraq – and no, it wasn’t because the edit job looked like it was done by a 5 year old.

Just to make sure we weren’t high on something, today we checked in with Brandy Navarre of X17 – one of Hollywood’s top photowires – and she told us the same thing, adding, “we’re not in the business of selling false stories.”

So, if the image is sourced directly from a good photo agency, news wire or photographer, the chance of it being Photoshopped are basically zero. Celebrity blogger tip: save yourself the dozens of moron comments like “this image must be Photoshopped, she’s not that fat” by simply sourcing your images directly from a reputable agency (and properly crediting them).

Myth Three
The camera adds ten pounds.

The Truth
No, it doesn’t. Yes, lighting and different camera lenses and various angles can play tricks on the eye, but a camera is no more likely to make you look fat than it is to make you look thin. Generally speaking, with the lenses most paparazzi photographers are walking around with, there’s not going to be a weight penalty or a benefit.

Myth Four
Paparazzi ruthlessly stalk celebrities. These poor people can’t go anywhere without a camera in their face.

The Truth
It’s a lot more complicated than that; it’s a very symbiotic relationship. First of all, excepting superstars or human train wrecks, the “average celebrity” carries on a fairly normal life and is rarely recognized, let alone photographed. This is partially because most humans are numb and oblivious and wouldn’t recognize Brad Pitt if he ordered a sandwich from them while barking lines from Fight Club.

But it’s also because the world is a large and busy place. On the rare instances someone is paying attention, the exchange I’ve seen most commonly is: “has anyone ever told you you look like Tara Starlet?” to which the well-heeled celebrity coyly replies, “oh, I get that all the time.”

I’m reminded of the old saying, “you know you’re in Hollywood when the guy at Starbucks who looks just like George Clooney… is George Clooney.”

I’m no celebrity but I know a few from my work, go out to eat with them, exercise with them, and even run into them at the grocery store. Setting aside set-up events like red carpet and photocalls – these people aren’t dragging along an army of drooling photographers.

Those who are recognized are almost always intentionally trying to draw attention to themselves (such as walking around with an entourage or going to lunch at the Ivy.)

Myth 4-A Dumbass Follow-up Question
Then why do I see all these pictures of so-and-so buying groceries, walking their dog, etc.? I’m so confused!

The Truth
Because celebrity publicists, “spotters”, and even doormen call photo agencies and tip them off. Photographers are not psychics with magic powers of intuition about who is going to go where and when. Los Angeles County is nearly 5,000 square miles and is crawling with ten million or so thin, good-looking people wearing sunglasses. It’s not as if celebrities stand out unless they try.

Having said that, some do try. It’s a marketing decision and, for the most part, everyone wins when they do.

Photo agencies get hundreds of calls a day from publicists who are dying to get their clients photographed, because they know celeb-sluts like you are going to clickie-click-click and eat the pictures up. The call is something like this: “Hey, Rick, it’s CokeFace from AgencyB – wanted you to know PopTart is headed over to Koi at 7 or so, and she’s not wearing any underwear..” (OK, maybe not the last part, but…)

When this happens, the agency sends a photographer over and the rest is history. Bloggers and magazines pay the agencies for rights to the photos (well, the good ones do) – the agency makes dough, bloggers get traffic, magazines sell copies, the celebrity gets visibility, photog gets paid, and the slutty publicist earns her next eight-ball.

Finally, there’s an entire caste of losers here in LA called “spotters.” These sad little warts-on-the-ass-of-life buzz around all day on scooters hunting for celebrities and then they tip off agencies and photographers. This is the source of most of the truly unwelcome attention celebrities deal with.

So There
Now that we’ve armed you with some new myth-slaying powers, go forth and use them. Oh, and thank us, you little ingrates!

December 2, 2008 UPDATE: Hold up!  Before you go, check out some of our more recent Hollywood Smacktalk:

• Kristen Stewart’s Falling Star
• Three Gorgeous Fashion Models You’ve Never Heard Of

or how about a classic from the archives – the one that got us in all that trouble with the Scientology goons:

• Tom Cruise Likes ‘em Starved

Sure, Beyonce looked like a big brown cow with stretch marks on her boobs but we sorta expected that.

For poor Amanda, what’s sorta sad is her choice of dress makes things worse – it makes her belly show through really well, thus enhancing her apparent plumpness.

Her legs don’t look too bad, with the possible exception of her upper thighs – which appear to be generously bulging through the sheer dress. Her arms are OK. Her face has always looked full, but it’s puffier for sure. But it’s really her belly and middle where she looks the thickest.

Damn, girl, get a waist! Buy it if you have to. Or at least don’t eat a whole platter of sizzlin’ steak fajitas before your AMA red carpet appearance. Better yet – learn the little shaping trick that most girls who’ve ever done a red carpet know: cross your legs for the pictures.

Super-pretty eyes, though. Click for the high-res pix.

December 2, 2008 UPDATE: Hold up, new readers!  Before you go, check out some of our more recent Hollywood Smacktalk:

• Kristen Stewart’s Falling Star
• Top Five Myths About Hollywood
• Three Gorgeous Fashion Models You’ve Never Heard Of

or how about a classic from the archives – the one that got us in all that trouble with the Scientology goons:

• Tom Cruise Likes ‘em Starved

First, we saw these pictures of her looking cute but corn-fed in Marina Del Rey last weekend:

The last one is the most troublesome. Nice saddlebags, dear. And you’re what, 17? Then what on earth is 25 going to look like?

We racked our brain for excuses, explanations. Could it be genes? Waterlogging? Mistaken identity? A government conspiracy? Surely she’s not – stuffing her face?

Well, what most of you outside New York or Los Angeles don’t know is that most of the upper-crust-pretties (actresses, models, socialites, etc.) aren’t eating very much. But lots of them say that they eat, because it’s something their agents hammer into their head to say, so people will see them as more ordinary, thus not hating them or thinking they’re too weird (although this is changing a little.) All those average American mall-rat-girls wanna have their Mickey-Dees, and don’t want some ditzy socialite telling them they can’t. It’s complicated.

But Hayden is a rebel. And oh, she is so busted. The evidence is in from Culver City this week:

The expression on her face in the last one says it all: I can’t stop, and that’s why my ass looks like that.

We’re telling her this because we care: hun, it’s time for you start counting calories before things get out of hand. Do you want to end up like Britney? No one believed me years ago when I told my friends that Britney was going to turn into a tankass, and now I look like a prophet. Allow me to help you, dear Hayden: hit the brakes now (and the treadmill), or in a few years you’re going to be on Tyra Banks’ show whining about how hard it is to find nice bikinis in size 16.

December 2, 2008 UPDATE: Hold up!  Before you go, check out some of our more recent Hollywood Smacktalk:

• Kristen Stewart’s Falling Star
• Top Five Myths About Hollywood
• Three Gorgeous Fashion Models You’ve Never Heard Of

or how about a classic from the archives – the one that got us in all that trouble with the Scientology goons:

• Tom Cruise Likes ‘em Starved

Some background: we’ve learned that the reason we saw Victoria Beckham hanging out with Katie Holmes so much in the months before the wedding was to enforce a bout of good behavior on the young bride-to-be, and influence her in the pure ways of eating (er, non-eating.) We all read the countless stories about them going out to “eat” together, shopping, and seeing fashion shows.

Well – a family member tells us that last year, Tom Cruise personally recruited Victoria Beckham to “supervise” Katie Holmes’ post-Suri weight loss. There was ample speculation that Katie and Victoria had become closer prior to the wedding, as they were spotted together very frequently in Europe and the US during those months. We can confirm that, in part, is one of the reasons.

In light of their relocation to Los Angeles, Cruise might have his heart set on converting the Beckhams to Scientology – but he’s seemingly just as concerned with making sure Victoria keeps Katie lean. The family member said that Cruise has said he “admires Beckham’s discipline” and wants his new wife to follow on.

Earlier speculation had revolved around Holmes’ desire to fit her custom, $2.6 million Armani wedding gown, which was said to have been a strict size 2. Additionally, for her wedding night, Katie spent $3,000 on a similarly-sized La Perla lingerie ensemble adorned with Swarovski crystals.

After Suri’s birth, Holmes quickly lost more than 25 pounds of baby weight, not unusual in the weeks following childbirth. But she then lost another 20 pounds under Beckham’s “guidance”, which is said to consist of extremely restrictive dieting and rigorous daily cardio. Friends say the 5′9″ actress weighed a willowy 120 pounds on her wedding day.

But long after her svelte appearance at the ceremony, Tom’s expectations have continued.

“Like any normal girl, Katie wanted to look her best on her special day,” said the family member, “but Tom’s controlling behavior has gone much further than that.”

What kind of diet lessons might Katie be getting from her friend? Recently, a friend of Beckham’s told the New York Post, “Victoria maintains her tiny frame because she only permits herself to snack and never to eat meals. She takes vitamins and is a tea and Diet Coke fanatic. Her snacks are edamame, pretzels and occasionally sushi – but usually she limits herself to one piece.”

“She’s a very restrictive eater,” said a Beckham friend we spoke with. “She’s unusually open and proud about it.”

Cruise’s plan seems to be working; Katie looked as slim as ever as she walked into CAA in Century City a few days ago:

Tying further into this controlling behavior, the family member told us Katie has been “punished” several times by Scientology handlers – under Cruise’s orders – when she is deemed to need “retraining.” Her “offenses” have included such trivialities as assertiveness, critical thought, excessive spending, or agreeing to do Hollywood events and projects without the approval of the “church”. The punishment rituals include starvation, extended sauna time to cleanse her of “impurities,” and forced exercise.

The family member is concerned that stress – combined with the Cruise camp’s bizarre rituals and Beckham’s influence – could lead Katie to a health crisis. But a source inside the Cruise camp told us that Katie is “happy and healthy.”

Time will tell.

December 2, 2008 UPDATE: Hold up!  Before you go, check out some of our more recent Hollywood Smacktalk:

• Kristen Stewart’s Falling Star
• Top Five Myths About Hollywood
• Kahlen Rondot: Party Pix And Kissing Chix

Well, our hot tips box has been buzzing. We’ve got a hot TomKatPoshLA story developing; stay tuned.

But, for now, we were mortified to receive pictures of the formerly hot and sexy Naomi Watts in our tip box this morning. Why mortified, you might ask? Isn’t she hot? Well, people, she used to be. But it looks like either an errant sperm or a freaking fire hose has placed those days in the past forever.

Here’s the poor ex-hottie waddling out of Whole Foods in Brentwood. Alas, clearly falling victim to that “hey, bucko, I’m eating for TWO” bullshit we hear a bit too often around these parts. Just to encourage all you males out there to be a bit more cautious with your own sperm, here’s what the little darling used to look like, before this unfortunate incident:

So please – all you sperm-producing males out there – think about this. Aren’t there enough humans and bloated, cranky, puffy, ruined hotties out there? Damn.

I think two Rachel Ray things were buggin’ me. First was her overt, classless, tacky, unapologetic lack of grace or femininity. I’d watch her and think – ick, that’s the nasty girl I always saw at sorority parties proudly and loudly out-beer-bonging the rest of us while wearing a denim jacket and cheap flip flops and mumbling through a mouthful of chewing tobacco. So sexy!

The second thing that bothered me was her latent fatness. Even before she was fat on the outside, she was fat on the inside. Let’s remember – her show is predicated on teaching the teeming masses of Averagus Americanus that yes, it’s perfectly possible (and excusable) to make a delicious meal in ten minutes with just a quick stop at Target on the way home. And yes, it’s ok if – once in a great great while – your husband comes home and finds you crying into a decimated half-gallon of Oreo ice cream. You’ll work it off doing the dishes – we know – it’s okay!

Remember when she posed for that awful photo shoot in FHM Magazine? No? Let me offer a sad reminder:

A face – a pose – a diet – only a NASCAR fan could love. I don’t know about you, but quite a few of my friends commented to me at the time that they were wondering how long Rachel would be fitting into those dresses.

Cooking up vats of melted Velveeta in which to soak your deep-fried sausages, then eating them in front of the world as the lard drips down your face – doesn’t make you sexy. In fact, it kinda makes you revolting.

But fuck that, what about Girl Power?!? God Bless Rachel for not caring! Finally, after bubbling just beneath the surface these last few years, she has set her inner fat girl free. At last, Rachel has freed herself from the torment of keeping that sweet, chubby girl all bottled up inside. Yes – YES, Sweet Syrupy Lord of Coherence, that girl is as free as a bird:

Relief is here – and it is as sweet and crisp and liberating as that bag of Peppermint Patties you just threw up into the toilet. At last, she can enjoy those buckets of chocolate-tempura-twinkies and chicken-fried-steak, free of the worry that it’ll fuck up her body. Her inner conductor has brought harmony – the band and chorus are finally singing the same tune.

And I’m sorry – but are those Sweet Potato Silver Dollar Pancakes under your dress or are they nipples?

I wonder how sweaty the marketing team is over at Dunkin’ Donuts – who, we’re told, just signed her greasy face to an ad campaign shilling donuts as a “healthy addition to a balanced diet.” (Oops! Call legal!)

This week the Enquirer said her “weight exploded and her marriage is crumbling” – as if the two could be, somehow, related? Neh, coincidence, I’m sure. Guys love fat chicks! Just ask any fat chick!

Could Giada De Laurentiis be next?

If you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

This is also Mel’s way of dealing with the fact that she is now a fat fucking pig:

and probably extremely jealous of her old pal, Posh Spice, who’s not only managed to stay nice and thin, but is also getting a lot of press (as always.) Sorry, Sporty Spice – you’re not Sporty, you’re not pretty, you never were, you never will be. Go away.

Because, by the looks of things, rehab has done a lot more harm to Lindsay than good. As evidence, we offer these extremely unfortunate photos of Linsday lounging around last weekend:

Damn… is it posture? Carbohydrates? Laziness? Moon-phase bloat? Do tell.

We know it’s not beer – don’t we? Not in recent memory have I seen a starlet with a more convincing non-beer beer gut.

Now, we all know what perfect looks like – and God bless Lindsay – for the longest time, the little precious was trying (and doing so well):

With little talent – and her job description merely being a celebrity for celebrity’s sake – generating excitement and hotness for the bored masses – here’s hoping she gets herself back on the coke diet.