Unstirred

We’re glad you asked! The team here at Unstirred has been researching that very subject and we’re pleased to inform you that she is – or will be in a moment- it just depends on where you take her. As many of you fan-toids know, Ali will turn 14 years old on December 22. Let us be the first to wish her a happy birthday, and good luck with not turning into a coked out anorexic shilling for nail polish and occasionally showing up in sex videos. Actually we’re secretly hoping she does, for us, but we wish her luck trying to escape the madness that is her life.

To the matter at hand – lately some truly sexy pictures of sweet Ali have been making their way around the blogosphere via Us Magazine and courtesy of her wonderful mother, Dina. Evoking a young Liz Hurley, we must say, she looks freakin’ beautiful.

So we got to thinking, is this wrong, the warm tingly feelings and dirty thoughts we had when we saw them? Will we go to hell? She was just a little kid, like, five minutes ago. Could it seriously be that this little tart is ready to take the wood, as it were? Not emotionally – we realize the answer to that is no (but then again, we don’t know a lot of 25 year olds who are equipped, either) but now that Dina has opened up the bidding with such sexy new pictures, we have no choice but to conclude that this doll is officially fair game.

Before you all start screaming about us being perverts and pedophiles – we’ll start by correcting you. Yes, we’re perverts. But not pedophiles! Lusting after an adolescent – one who has reached puberty (and we kindly note that Ali has) – is not pedophilia. It’s hebephilia, and anyone with a drop of testosterone and a shred of honesty feels it now and then. But we digress – we’re here to talk legalness, not moralness. Plus, judging from her older sister, no one is going to want to do her when she’s 20. So, why postpone the lusting? Now’s the time, we figure, now that mom said it was OK and she’s not all worn out like big old leatherface itchycrotch is.

Honestly, there are already a million teenage boys out there masturbating to pictures like this one, inarguably more than a little erotic:

That reminds us – with the lovely Chyla Leigh of Grey’s Anatomy setting off a Hollywood incest craze unseen since Angelina’s filthiness years ago, who knows where this might go? Why not do a real “Sister Act”? Hey Dina – there’d be big money to be made in a Linsday / Ali porno flick, and while that might make many of you turn your noses up in disgust, it would at least be a more honest whoring out of her daughters than what she does now. Dina – just think of all the coke and purses you could buy!

But anyway, would someone bold please carpe diem – seize the day, as it were? We’ve discussed whether it’s moral – but you’re going to have to keep the law at bay, too. So, let’s take a look at the states where, come this December 22, it’d be legal to (as they say in El Segundo) tap that ass: Iowa, Missouri, Indiana and South Carolina.

So, guys: step up, whomever dares. Invite young Ali to St. Louis for a Christmastime weekend of fun and frolic. Her mom seems to be offering her up for it – and her package is unlikely to get any better.

Someone’s got to be her first (politely assuming someone has not been there already) so why not you?

South Carolina is lovely this time of year.

[Thanks for the map]